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Feel like posting an old memory. People say writing helps healing, and somethings I just haven't been able to let go of.
Remember when I wanted you to be apart of my wedding? The only thing I managed to get you to be apart of was the dress fitting.
Remember when I waited until the last leg of the trip to actually call you to make sure you were coming? I was so scared of you at the the time. Afraid you would reject this occasion just like you had all the other times.
Remember when you got there you immediately burst into tears? I had no idea why you were crying, I was so confused. We all, Anty, Cousin, MIL, and myself, tried to comfort you. You only stopped when MIL told you I had wanted you to come here, she had nothing to do with the invite.
Remember when you three got into the conversation of how silly marriage was while we were waiting on the store to find my dress? Cousin said she would only be getting married if she was knocked up. That was a great conversation. It made me wonder why my family was so messed up. It also made me wonder why Anty and Cousin were there. I had asked you to bring grandma with you.
Remember when, while I was getting into the dress, you got into MIL's face and told her she would not be apart of this event, that she was to stay out? She respected that, even though I felt abandoned by her not being in there with me for support, and did not learn about what you did until much later. It must have been nice to feel that you had the upper hand in the dressing room.
Remember when we first got into the dressing room and you, Anty, and Cousin spoke as if I wasn't there? You were showing off your new tattoo, a large three flower one on your leg. The large central flower was you, one of the smaller flowers represented grandma, and the final one represented me, that flower was infected and that must have represented what a sore I was being at the moment.
Remember when you and Anty questioned the color of my dress? It was a beautiful ivory, that went well with my skin complexion. But it wasn't white, so obviously I had been sleeping with my future husband and was no longer the pure woman I put up for others. Because you know me, such a fraud to everyone's face. I suddenly felt very ugly in my beautiful dress, thanks to your hateful words. Not even the support of the lady hemming my dress helped me feel much better. Though, remember when you gave her the death stare when she commented that more girls were going away from white because we just don't look good in it. Haha, that was fun.
Remember when they brought my cloak out to be hemmed? You commented that it was the stupidest thing you had ever seen. Why was I wasting money on something so pointless. Hmmm maybe because it was a nice atheistic for a winter wedding and made me feel like the princess I thought I was suppose to feel like on my wedding day.
Remember when we were finished you got into my face about why I had asked you there? You couldn't be happy with the fact that I really wanted you to approve of this wedding, too have you involved in some way. I didn't want to rub any thing in your face and I didn't want any money for you. Remember that you ended up writing me a check for $500 so people couldn't say you didn't help with my wedding. Haha, you know, I ended up using that check for rent. It made me wonder if you had any idea what I had to pay to live on my own, and how much a modern wedding cost. But I digress, I really didn't want any money from you.
Remember how MIL and I were waiting for you all to drive away, and we would wave you off? Instead you came to the edge of the parking lot and creepily gave me the "come here" finger curl. Seriously, that was one of the creepiest moments of my life. You then began to chew me out for about an hour. I don't remember much of that conversation. You had me conditioned to go into survival mode in moments like that and I didn't know how to talk back to you at the time. So I just stood there in fear why you told me what a horrid child I was. I only recall any of that because MIL eventually came to my aid and was so shocked how poorly you spoke of me to my face, and how Anty could ever regret having any of her children. The main thing that I remember was that Cousin finally got tired of everything and got out of the car yelling at you and Anty that you were getting no where. I wasn't backing down or standing my own ground. She was right I was such a coward in the moments, never able to speak back, but I hope that my actions of not doing as I was told spoke louder to you.
You won't remember any of this because you weren't there.
You missed out on how MIL sat me down in the shoe section of the store and seriously looked at me and asked, "Do you love my son?" You missed how I began to cry because she had to ask me that. I loved him so much I would do anything to be with him. But she had to make sure I knew what I was doing for the safety of her own son. You missed how we both cried there for sometime. You also missed when the staff of the store told MIL what a great person she was, putting up with the crazy you brought to the store. Yes, the store staff saw what a horrid person you were, good thing you don't harp too much on keeping up appearances.
Did you know that MIL told Hubby that you were a jerk. Haha, this lady, who close friends have joked loved people almost more than Jesus did, called you a jerk. That speaks volumes on the person you are.
Did you get what you were after from that event? Did tearing me down and making me feel like a horrid person for wanting to marry a man I cared for, make you feel better?
I guess I hope so. I never really knew how to make you happy, what it would take to get love from you. So whatever works. I also wonder, Do you ever think of this day? Do you wish you had done things differently? On this day, the days before it, and the days after? Or do you just block it all out, or change the events of the day to make you look like a caring mother?
I will probably never know because you don't seem to want to acknowledge you did anything wrong in the events of that year and the years after. But if you are happy with how things went what more can I do?
Remember when I wanted you to be apart of my wedding? The only thing I managed to get you to be apart of was the dress fitting.
Remember when I waited until the last leg of the trip to actually call you to make sure you were coming? I was so scared of you at the the time. Afraid you would reject this occasion just like you had all the other times.
Remember when you got there you immediately burst into tears? I had no idea why you were crying, I was so confused. We all, Anty, Cousin, MIL, and myself, tried to comfort you. You only stopped when MIL told you I had wanted you to come here, she had nothing to do with the invite.
Remember when you three got into the conversation of how silly marriage was while we were waiting on the store to find my dress? Cousin said she would only be getting married if she was knocked up. That was a great conversation. It made me wonder why my family was so messed up. It also made me wonder why Anty and Cousin were there. I had asked you to bring grandma with you.
Remember when, while I was getting into the dress, you got into MIL's face and told her she would not be apart of this event, that she was to stay out? She respected that, even though I felt abandoned by her not being in there with me for support, and did not learn about what you did until much later. It must have been nice to feel that you had the upper hand in the dressing room.
Remember when we first got into the dressing room and you, Anty, and Cousin spoke as if I wasn't there? You were showing off your new tattoo, a large three flower one on your leg. The large central flower was you, one of the smaller flowers represented grandma, and the final one represented me, that flower was infected and that must have represented what a sore I was being at the moment.
Remember when you and Anty questioned the color of my dress? It was a beautiful ivory, that went well with my skin complexion. But it wasn't white, so obviously I had been sleeping with my future husband and was no longer the pure woman I put up for others. Because you know me, such a fraud to everyone's face. I suddenly felt very ugly in my beautiful dress, thanks to your hateful words. Not even the support of the lady hemming my dress helped me feel much better. Though, remember when you gave her the death stare when she commented that more girls were going away from white because we just don't look good in it. Haha, that was fun.
Remember when they brought my cloak out to be hemmed? You commented that it was the stupidest thing you had ever seen. Why was I wasting money on something so pointless. Hmmm maybe because it was a nice atheistic for a winter wedding and made me feel like the princess I thought I was suppose to feel like on my wedding day.
Remember when we were finished you got into my face about why I had asked you there? You couldn't be happy with the fact that I really wanted you to approve of this wedding, too have you involved in some way. I didn't want to rub any thing in your face and I didn't want any money for you. Remember that you ended up writing me a check for $500 so people couldn't say you didn't help with my wedding. Haha, you know, I ended up using that check for rent. It made me wonder if you had any idea what I had to pay to live on my own, and how much a modern wedding cost. But I digress, I really didn't want any money from you.
Remember how MIL and I were waiting for you all to drive away, and we would wave you off? Instead you came to the edge of the parking lot and creepily gave me the "come here" finger curl. Seriously, that was one of the creepiest moments of my life. You then began to chew me out for about an hour. I don't remember much of that conversation. You had me conditioned to go into survival mode in moments like that and I didn't know how to talk back to you at the time. So I just stood there in fear why you told me what a horrid child I was. I only recall any of that because MIL eventually came to my aid and was so shocked how poorly you spoke of me to my face, and how Anty could ever regret having any of her children. The main thing that I remember was that Cousin finally got tired of everything and got out of the car yelling at you and Anty that you were getting no where. I wasn't backing down or standing my own ground. She was right I was such a coward in the moments, never able to speak back, but I hope that my actions of not doing as I was told spoke louder to you.
You won't remember any of this because you weren't there.
You missed out on how MIL sat me down in the shoe section of the store and seriously looked at me and asked, "Do you love my son?" You missed how I began to cry because she had to ask me that. I loved him so much I would do anything to be with him. But she had to make sure I knew what I was doing for the safety of her own son. You missed how we both cried there for sometime. You also missed when the staff of the store told MIL what a great person she was, putting up with the crazy you brought to the store. Yes, the store staff saw what a horrid person you were, good thing you don't harp too much on keeping up appearances.
Did you know that MIL told Hubby that you were a jerk. Haha, this lady, who close friends have joked loved people almost more than Jesus did, called you a jerk. That speaks volumes on the person you are.
Did you get what you were after from that event? Did tearing me down and making me feel like a horrid person for wanting to marry a man I cared for, make you feel better?
I guess I hope so. I never really knew how to make you happy, what it would take to get love from you. So whatever works. I also wonder, Do you ever think of this day? Do you wish you had done things differently? On this day, the days before it, and the days after? Or do you just block it all out, or change the events of the day to make you look like a caring mother?
I will probably never know because you don't seem to want to acknowledge you did anything wrong in the events of that year and the years after. But if you are happy with how things went what more can I do?
